I Didn’t Report Because Fuck You

I Didn’t Report Because Fuck You

I’ve got other shit to do. I work full time at a demanding job. I have two kids. Their dad doesn’t see them or pay child support. I make a decent paycheque which is equivalent to what two parents working at McDonalds would make. Dentist appointments, soccer practice, games every Saturday (my week to supply the oranges), car repairs, my own health (slipped vertebra), I’m out of sick days, recycling day, the kids’ emotional health, help them with homework in the evenings, no minutes on my cell phone, one kid needs braces, figure out a way to pay back student loans, don’t forget bus tickets, I should be exercising more, keep the house liveably clean, really should have a garage sale, car insurance, drive one kid to school for 7:30 twice a week, make sure to have lunch foods, bus tickets, groceries, dinners planned, pay the bills, rake the leaves, bring in fire wood, goddammit forgot to buy light-bulbs again, parent-teacher interviews, Christmas is coming…

So I went on a date and the fucking knuckle-dragger asshole raped me. I will add him to the list of violent misogynists that I know. I’ll add him to the list of men that have assaulted and molested me since my earliest memories in life. The first was when I was five years old–he was a babysitter. What do I start with when I go in to the police station to make my report? Do I tell them about when I was 12 and had to walk past a construction site in Southern Ontario every day for four months and felt literally sick with fear and disgust as the men stared and taunted me? Do I tell them about the time when I was 18 and the older guy I was in love with suddenly decided it would be hot to slap my face while we were ‘making love’? Do I talk about the campus rapes I experienced at Carleton University in 1991? I am forty fucking years old. Where does it begin and where does it end?

I am not ‘scared’ to go to the police. I am not afraid to ‘relive the trauma’ –I live it every day. I am not fearful they won’t believe me or that they will judge and scrutinize me (although they likely won’t believe me and will judge and scrutinize). I know that for each woman this is different and I understand that many are rightfully mistrusting of the police.

But for me? I have enough shit to do. Why the fuck should some asshole cruise along being a total fucking creepy piece of shit and now I have to change my whole life? And give my NAME to all you internet douchebags and rape apologists? No thank you. Who I am is none of your goddam fucking business you nosy shitheels. It is not my responsibility to respond to assault in a way that makes all you assnuggets satisfied. It is up to you–to all of us–to live like decent fucking human beings and stop being pieces of shit to each other.
Fuck you.

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161 thoughts on “I Didn’t Report Because Fuck You

  1. Fuck you. You’re putting other people in danger by not reporting it. There is nothing admirable, commendable, or brave about what you’re doing. You’re acting completely selfishly by allowing a rapist to go unreported, because that means your rapist is now out there; free to rape again because you said nothing.

    Bluntly put: You’re a rape enabler. Even if you’re not legally culpable, every time that man rapes, he’s doing it because your inaction allowed him to continue doing it. You’re an accessory to every rape he commits from this day forward.

    So I’ll say it again. FUCK. YOU.

    Liked by 2 people

      • >I am not responsible for his affinity for raping people.
        You’re right. You’re not responsible for his ability to rape people. But you’re inaction, which has enabled him to continue raping people? Yes, you are responsible.

        I’m not saying this is an advice column. I’m not saying you’re advocating a bad message. I’m saying fuck you, and fuck your attitude, because you’ve let a rapist walk free. I hope, genuinely hope, that some day you are confronted by every woman he raped after you, every one that could have been stopped if he was in jail he should be.

        Like

    • Yeah, reporting rape sounds like so much fun!! Go through months if not fucking years of court dates as he sits across from you with a smirk on his face and ultimately ends up getting ZERO fucking consequense for his actions.

      I didn’t report and I’ll supported girlfriends not reporting and I will until these good for nothing pieces of shit start paying for their actions in the eyes of the law

      Liked by 4 people

      • I’m not saying it’s fun. In fact, I can assure you it’s not fun. Because I’ve gone through it. It was painful, it was a major disruption to my life. I actually understand that part, because I lived it.

        Do you know what let’s him get “ZERO fucking consequences for his actions?” NOT TELLING THE FUCKING POLICE. Do you know what’s not going to make people pay for their actions in the eyes of the law? Staying quiet. Staying quiet is PART OF THE GOD DAMN PROBLEM.

        You let a rapist go free. The people you supported let them go free. You’re part of the problem.

        Liked by 1 person

    • You have got to be fucking kidding, right? Right? A rape enabler? All women must be rape enablers then you stupid fuck. If only we all weren’t out there ready and willing to be raped then rape wouldn’t happen, right? Cause it’s women who are responsible. It’s women who are putting other people in danger. Yeah, it’s women who allow men to molest small children and catcall teens and rape women. Guess what? When a man rapes, he doesn’t become a woman’s responsibility. “Your rapist”? what the fuck is that? just one more fucking thing we selfish women have to put on our to do lists–take care of “our rapist”. He’s not MY rapist, he’s a rapist, he’s his own man. So FUCK YOU.

      Liked by 15 people

      • >All women must be rape enablers then you stupid fuck.
        Yes, because one women allowing her rapist to go free means every woman is at fault.
        God, you’re a fucking moron.

        >If only we all weren’t out there ready and willing to be raped then rape wouldn’t happen, right?
        I never said that. This is something you invented. I’m not saying “she’s a woman, so it’s her fault she got raped.” I’m saying “She didn’t report her rapist to the police, so now he’s free to rape more” Maybe try reading?

        So, let’s treat rape like any other crime for a moment.
        If someone assaulted you, would you keep quiet?
        If someone robbed you, would you keep quiet?
        If someone tried to murder you, would you keep quiet?

        Liked by 1 person

    • No, fuck YOU. Statistically, the odds are that this guy would never be arrested, much less convicted. Statistically, reporting almost never leads to a rapist not being free to rape again. What happens ALMOST FUCKING ALWAYS is that the woman goes through hell, and the rapist walks away with no consequences.
      You find it appropriate, in this world that we live in, not the fantasy world where reporting actually stops a rapist from raping again, to tell a rape victim that it is HER FAULT if her rapist rapes again?
      FUCK YOU.

      Liked by 12 people

      • But that’s not what this column is about. The writer isn’t saying she doesn’t have faith in the justice system, she doesn’t want to relive the trauma, or that she is afraid to be scrutinized. She is just saying she is too busy to be bothered. Is it the rapist’s fault that he is a rapist? Of course it is. But honestly, not reporting – if you are mentally prepared to do so – and then going off like this sounds like people who complain about politics but never vote. There are also different levels of reporting, some of which are not actually all that time consuming. I’m sorry, but you don’t get to be this angry while simultaneously saying, “I don’t care if he rapes again.” Being traumatized or afraid are legitimate excuses to not rape, but if that’s not the case, then report.

        Like

      • I don’t know where you picked up the phrase “can’t be bothered”. I think it is pretty clear that I (and many many others) have experienced a lifetime of misogynistic mistreatment. I actually have gone to the police 3 times in my life for various reasons without any sort of positive outcome. One of the points of this blog post is that reporting and following up on every single act of violence perpetrated against me (and others) is a herculean undertaking. There are only so many hours in a day. We all have a limited store of emotional energy. Others have written eloquently about their reasons for not reporting. I find that the public discourse around this issue seems to only include victims who behave a certain way–cowering in fear, scraped up, and running to the strong arms of a ready and willing police force. That is not reality no matter how much we wish it to be so. I did not ask to be placed in this position. I am not required to act in a way that satisfies anyone else.

        Liked by 18 people

    • The intention behind this blog post, I think, was simply to explain/share this one womans reason why she didn’t report, in response to the public questioning her credibility because of her failure to report when it had happened, that is all I think, and it needs to be respected. For sure, yes of course ideally women need to report these atrocities, but when they don’t we need to understand their reasons for not doing so, not attack them. Now maybe your rapist had raped other women before you who failed to report, and you tell yourself that if they had, that you wouldn’t have been raped. I get it, I totally understand your viewpoint and why you feel the way you do. And you’re right in saying that the failure to report is one of the things perpetuating our rape culture. Your rapist may not have had a chance to rape you specifically, yes, but he definitely would have raped again and again because rape is just simply not taken very seriously or punished very well, at all. I got love for all you ladies in the struggle, and all of our emotions and opinions on the matter are justifiable and deserve respect ❤

      Liked by 4 people

    • Jilted ex– Thank you for your honest, empowering writing. Bravo.

      Unpopular opinion– I reported being molested by my brother 20 years after it occurred. I did so because I was experiencing full blown PTSD from the abuse, reading everything I could on sexual violence, and after 2 decades of minimization I realized what happened was a crime. I read the statistics about most people not reporting, looked at my own life fighting for social justice for others and thought, “why have I not fought for justice for myself?” My case was rejected twice, but then finally accepted (after a year of fighting), and the perpetrator accepted a plea deal for 3 years in prison and lifetime registration as a sex offender.

      I see from your post below that you have gone through the reporting process and, as you said, “It was painful, it was a major disruption to my life.” I understand your anger– a feeling that is valid and justified. I also imagine coming across your words “you are a rape enabler” prior to my reporting, and those words adding to the guilt, shame and fear I was already experiencing.

      So my question for you both is: how do we– as survivors, reporter or non-reporters, human beings– work together to change the culture of silence and shame around sexual violence? How can we empower each other to HEAL from the fucked up shit we endured, reclaim our bodies and our dignity, and live the best life that we can? And– how do we empower each other to make a decision that both honors what is right for our own well being and the well being of others?

      I created Report It, Girl as a web platform to support survivors reporting sexual violence (reportitgirl.com), and am interested in talking more with you both about how our community can do the above. Let me know if you are interested in connecting. Light and love.

      Liked by 9 people

    • Actually, the RAPIST is putting other people in danger by RAPING. Reporting the rapist does not mean he will be locked behind bars. Less than 1% of cases are reported, and less than 1% of those rapists (from that first 1%) are convicted – which shows a flaw in the system, not in the fact that women aren’t reporting. Don’t people know by now that the system does NOT help women?

      Liked by 12 people

      • First, let me say that I think the decision to report lies fully with the victim, and I have no right to judge them for their decision.

        That being said, there’s a math problem with your statement, Nairiz. If it’s true that less than 1%, let’s just say 1% for brevity, of rapes are reported, and it’s also true that 1% of those reports result in conviction, then you cannot say the system is at fault. The impact of reporting is having the same exact impact as the system trying cases that are reported. They both are doing a 1% job. In my estimation, since the reporting is the cause of the effect of possible conviction, you would get more positive effect by more reporting. It also seems logical that if more reporting were done, then more awareness of the issue would show up in the legal system, and more pressure could be applied to reform the system to get better conviction rates.

        What I, and others like me who are (currently) neither rapists or victims of rape can do is stop making people feel shitty for reporting. Victims should never be shamed, period. No one scoffs at someone who reports an armed robbery. A victim reporting a crime is doing a courageous thing, and the last thing that should be heaped on them is judgement. For my money, I think that’s the best place to apply pressure – make reporting as painless an act as humanly possible. Then more victims will not be put out by reporting, and more convictions can result.

        Regardless, I loved the fucking article, Jilted Ex. Cheers!

        Liked by 3 people

    • It’s the police’s responsibility to create safe communities, which they are completely failing at. You are completely right to be upset about the amount of sexual assault that is happening in our society. I am also furious.

      We need to change but it’s not victims responsibility to stop all rapists. It’s crown attorneys and police. I encourage you to write to them with your outrage.

      Liked by 4 people

    • How ironic it is that the first commenter, “Unpopular Opinions”, is attacking and blaming the victim with comments like “You’re a rape enabler” while bravely hiding behind an anonymous profile. Isn’t that the whole problem? Almost to the point of being cliché? Dare I say that “Unpopular Opinions” is a man that just doesn’t get it? Perhaps that “Unpopular Opinions” is exactly the type of demented ragey misogynists that terrorize the victims in any way they can and in fact are a large part of the reason why women won’t come forward? Never mind that maybe she doesn’t want to forever damage her relationships with her parents, her partners, her friends and colleagues who might not be emotionally equipped to deal with a loved one going through something like this? Congratulations, “Unpopular Opinions”, you and your personal attacks are a HUGE part of the problem. It’s people like you that are supporting and maintaining the rape culture. Congratulations, “Unpopular Opinions”, YOU are a rape enabler.

      Liked by 13 people

      • yep i agree .. ‘unpopular opinions’ person is the rape culture enabler. this is very interesting article especially the comments by “unpopular opinion” who somehow is able to blame the person who got raped as responsible for the rapist’s future behaviour of rape. Removing blame for the rapist’s actions never seems to end does it? Twisting things so that somehow the person getting violated is still at fault for something is just too tempting isn’t it for some people? Somehow the person getting raped is responsible for everything including the rapist’s future behaviour of raping. Really? I think we have a legal system, and everyone is accountable to it and knows enough about following it or not. The reason rapists get away for their behaviors is because of rape culture, because our culture does not support a system where rapists pay for their actions. A rapist’s future acts of raping is on them alone… creating this concept of ‘enabling rape’ is soo misogynistic in itself and its very sad that this person thinks this way. This person is also hating on this woman rather than supporting her thereby this person is an enabler of rape culture unfortunately–whether this person realizes it or not, they have deep rooted anger which they are taking it out on the wrong person- the person who got violated, instead of having compassion and understanding. Rape culture and these types of misogynistic thinking will not go away until women start supporting each other fully instead of attacking each other to survive. Until women start helping each other with compassion and understanding, these types of reactions will continue and thereby contribute to our current misogynistic rape culture. Love to all.

        Liked by 5 people

    • this is very interesting article especially the comments by “unpopular opinion” who somehow is able to blame the person who got raped as responsible for the rapist’s future behaviour of rape. Removing blame for the rapist’s actions never seems to end does it? Twisting things so that somehow the person getting violated is still at fault for something is just too tempting isn’t it for some people? Somehow the person getting raped is responsible for everything including the rapist’s future behaviour of raping. Really? I think we have a legal system, and everyone is accountable to it and knows enough about following it or not. The reason rapists get away for their behaviors is because of rape culture, because our culture does not support a system where rapists pay for their actions. A rapist’s future acts of raping is on them alone… creating this concept of ‘enabling rape’ is soo misogynistic in itself and its very sad that this person thinks this way. This person is also hating on this woman rather than supporting her thereby this person is an enabler of rape culture unfortunately–whether this person realizes it or not, they have deep rooted anger which they are taking it out on the wrong person- the person who got violated, instead of having compassion and understanding. Rape culture and these types of misogynistic thinking will not go away until women start supporting each other fully instead of attacking each other to survive. Until women start helping each other with compassion and understanding, these types of reactions will continue and thereby contribute to our current misogynistic rape culture. Love to all.

      Liked by 2 people

    • unpopular opinion.you need to reed the responses left for you here and maybe try to self reflect as to why you are so angry instead of compassionate and understanding towards this writer. this is very interesting article especially the comments by “unpopular opinion” who somehow is able to blame the person who got raped as responsible for the rapist’s future behaviour of rape. Removing blame for the rapist’s actions never seems to end does it? Twisting things so that somehow the person getting violated is still at fault for something is just too tempting isn’t it for some people? Somehow the person getting raped is responsible for everything including the rapist’s future behaviour of raping. Really? I think we have a legal system, and everyone is accountable to it and knows enough about following it or not. The reason rapists get away for their behaviors is because of rape culture, because our culture does not support a system where rapists pay for their actions. A rapist’s future acts of raping is on them alone… creating this concept of ‘enabling rape’ is soo misogynistic in itself and its very sad that this person thinks this way. This person is also hating on this woman rather than supporting her thereby this person is an enabler of rape culture unfortunately–whether this person realizes it or not, they have deep rooted anger which they are taking it out on the wrong person- the person who got violated, instead of having compassion and understanding. Rape culture and these types of misogynistic thinking will not go away until women start supporting each other fully instead of attacking each other to survive. Until women start helping each other with compassion and understanding, these types of reactions will continue and thereby contribute to our current misogynistic rape culture. Love to all.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Seriously? Get fucked. Whether you agree with HER DECISION or not doesn’t mean she is responsible if that dirt bag rapes again. “Even if you’re not legally cupable, every time that man rapes, he’s doing it blah blah bullshit bullshit” He’s raping because he wants to rape, she doesn’t make him rape, you fucking honk bag. So nice of you to tell someone what they should do, now I’ll tell you to do us all a favor and stick it in your ass.

      Liked by 8 people

  2. In spite of the fact that our current legal view of rape victims is wrong… if the report isn’t made that ass hat waste of air get’s to go on and do it again, turning someone else’s life to shit. It’s not perfect, and it does suck… fact is, it’s maddening that I just wrote that. Seems like I’m one of those apologists you mentioned. I assure you, I am not.

    TO ALL BOYS AND MEN READING THIS…. RULES REGARDING ALL SEXUALLY RELATED TOPICS OR ACTIONS…

    Rule #1: NO MEANS NO!!!! That means you stop whatever you are doing no matter what.

    Rule #2: THE ONLY CONSENT IS “YES” If that means you have to repeat the question or request, then do so… anything other than the word “YES” IS NOT EVER TO BE CONSIDERED AS CONSENT.
    Repeat ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE WORD “YES” IS NOT EVER TO BE CONSIDERED AS CONSENT!!!!

    Rule #3: ALWAYS refer to Rules # 1 and 2.

    A SHOUT OUT TO ALL PARENTS READING THIS… teach your sons that… it is NOT OK to regard women as something to conquer… it’s NOT OK to make snide remarks regarding anything about a fellow human’s appearance in any way… it’s NOT OK to let others make snide comments, PLEASE empower your sons to stand up and stop those that do…. PLEASE teach them to respect every HUMAN regardless of gender, color or sexual orientation (actual or otherwise). IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO PUT THIS INTO PRACTICE.

    A SHOUT OUT TO ALL BROTHER’S READING THIS… It’s NOT OK for your friends to say the stuff (slut, ‘tap that’, easy, whore, etc etc) they do about any girl. IT IS OK to get in their face and tell them to stop.

    TO EVERYONE… LEAD BY EXAMPLE.

    Rape is something that WE CAN teach out of society if WE try. Start TODAY… RIGHT NOW is a good time.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Great rant, damn straight. Clear and concise reasons for why one person, perhaps some people, might feel unwilling to report. Not a post- assault primer, not an advice column. As for the “responsibility to report” faction, people who have experienced assault, sexual and otherwise, respond in many different ways depending on the nature of the assault, their life and life experience. Sexual assault allegations in particular leave people open to judgement and derision that those reporting, say a robbery are not. That is a hard burden to bear in a life perhaps weighed down unbearably already. Sometimes simply the time off work and loss of income a court case may represent is completely out of the question. The lawyer who was assaulted by JG I thought put it well when she said she felt a responsibility to report because she was at a place in her life, personally, professionally and financially where she felt she was *able* to handle potential fall out. We are not all so fortunate. To be berated for this on top of being assaulted only points to what needs to be fixed in the judicial system oh actually I mean all of society . Anyways, thanks. Good points raised. Nice use of the word “fuck” throughout.

    Liked by 5 people

    • But that’s not what this column is about. The writer isn’t saying she doesn’t have faith in the justice system, she doesn’t want to relive the trauma, or that she is afraid to be scrutinized. She is just saying she is too busy to be bothered. Is it the rapist’s fault that he is a rapist? Of course it is. But honestly, not reporting – if you are mentally prepared to do so – and then going off like this sounds like people who complain about politics but never vote. There are also different levels of reporting, some of which are not actually all that time consuming. I’m sorry, but you don’t get to be this angry while simultaneously saying, “I don’t care if he rapes again.” Being traumatized or afraid are legitimate excuses to not rape, but if that’s not the case, then report.

      Like

      • I think it is a major oversimplification to reduce the motivations of this writer in not reporting her rape to “just saying” she is “too busy to be bothered”. Nor does it sound to me like she is simply “complaining “. Raising kids as a single parent on a single low income is pretty fucking stressful, you are responsible for ALL OF THE THINGS, all the time, everyday from sun up to sun down with *no money*. Think about that. There is no vacation from that, that is not a soccer mom busy busy busy running from mani to pedi to dance to game to fundraiser, complaining about her hectic life. That is straight up day to day I hope there’s enough gas in the tank to get to the hydro to pay the bill before they cut me off survival type shit. Then some a-hole waltzes in and rapes her and society demands she become responsible for that shit as well, taking time off work, exposing her name and character to public scrutiny, hiring a lawyer she can’t possibly afford, etcetera… I think it *may* be possible that she is saying fuck you to anyone who thinks they have a right to tell her she is obligated to report an assault when they have no idea about her life, history or ability to deal with the stress that entails or possibly those who might tell her from their distant armchair that she “doesn’t get to be that angry” about being raped.

        Liked by 7 people

  4. This is enraging. Of course men shouldn’t rape, but they do. You’re not responsible for his affinity to rape but you have the power put a to stop it…if you don’t understand that, there is no help for you OR him. You can’t fix stupid. You speak about how hard you’ve worked to maintain your less than desirable, seemingly shitty life…you were raped and you let it be? What kind of example are you setting for your children? What kind of human being are you? Do you not appreciate yourself or your rights? You are letting every person who abused you turn around, gain more confidence and do the same to someone else. You are a rape enabler. Anyone who thinks you are brave or commends you for your selfishness is just as delusional as you are.

    Like

  5. From a male perspective, well done. I don’t think I know many women who have not been molested or raped at one time or another. My wife is one. She reported and was told if she wasn’t wearing what she was (she was 16) it wouldn’t have happened. When her mother showed up to pick her up at the police station, she beat her yelling “you have brought disgrace on our family”. This isn’t just a “male” mind change. It is a societal mind change. When I see the shit in African countries (look at South Africa, highest rape percentage in the world) I can only shake my head. But that is almost the same mind set here. We scream and shout about Sharia Law and how degrading and unjust it is yet we are almost in the same boat as far as women’s rights. I am in a position of authority where I work and I hope that I project a non-tolerance of harassment. I see it from your perspective and you are right to be angry. You all are. Jilted Ex, keep on writing.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Everyone has the right to decide whether to report or not, to decide if it is right for them or not. Neither should be harassed or feel guilty for that decision.

    Liked by 6 people

  7. The tone of the article and many of the responses is incredibly combative.

    Not reporting a rape is not a new kind of “womyn” power and shouldn’t be considered in that light. It shouldn’t be trivialized. It’s an individual decision for all women and men and does have serious repercussions for the victim and the public, whatever decision is made.

    Victims, please seriously consider reporting any assault in any form to authorities. And if you can’t, may you not be judged by those who can’t understand your position, and that you find peace and a way to heal as best you can.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I was sexually assaulted as a teen. Reported it. Made police statement. Aimed for charges. Police dropped charges because he simply agreed to take a polygraph test. They didnt even give it to him. I happened to have a witness who was his daughter, she made a statement against him too. They went to put her in pritective custody until they dropped the charges. She didnt show up to school for a few weeks after, her dad used to beat her.

    My parents wish I didnt report and told them first so my dad could have beat that fuckers ass without going to jail for assault. Because thats how messed up the system is. The guy who beats his kids and molests her friends is the good guy and the loving parent that beats that guy is dangerous.

    all for not reporting because 10 years later, whenever I run into that guy in town he intimidates me any way he can. Run his grocery cart into me and starts yelling and laughing until I run and hide under shelves in costco…

    if they actually did something to these people idsay ya report. But they dont. When you report it just shows the guy that touched you that you are scared and he gets to revel in his power while you have to deflect shame feom everyone you know. I was called daddy fucker for the rest of high school.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Back in the seventies we did Direct Action, the other “rape crisis centre” assisted women through the courts and helped them take apart their lives after getting raped … we went to the asshole’s home, a big ole bunch of us, and yelled and threatened the jerk. Did it change the rape culture? Not a hell of a lot… but it sure made the women feel better than having to go to the cop shop and be made to feel guilty for being raped.

    Liked by 7 people

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